It is hard sometimes.
This piece of writing has a singular objective. To help one admit that sometimes, the things we deal with will be difficult. It does not matter in a significant way whether or not other people go through the same thing.
It is true, that it can be comforting to know that other people go through pains or difficulties similar to the ones you may face. This comfort may be derived through a sadistic sense of pleasure (uncommon, but not impossible), OR it may be derived from the feeling that if you cannot have something good, others shouldn’t have it either (jealousy is common and it is a real emotion, and it is the plain truth that people can sometimes feel jealous. That is human.), OR it could be that you are relieved to have someone relate to your experiences and that there are people who can understand your emotions well. It is indeed comforting to have the option of finding someone to turn to for advice or reassurance regarding difficulties that you face, especially if they have gone through the same or are going through the same difficulties in a seemingly better way.
This is not the worst problem out there, but it is a problem to assume that having company in misery always reduces one’s own misery. People go through difficult things. Maybe someone else experiences that. Maybe millions experience that. But how many of those millions are close to the concerned person? How many of those few would be brave enough to share their experiences and help a friend? Even if they wanted to, is the battle one where they can help? Because sometimes one must fight one’s own battles, and no one else can fight it for them even if they wanted to. This is especially true in matters of the acceptance of one’s self and self improvement. It certainly helps to have supportive friends, more than one could imagine. That being said, you have to fight those battles in your mind. It is you that has to ask yourself the difficult questions and find answers. Sometimes you will not find an answer to a given question, and it is your job to accept that you do not know the answer yet, if there is one at all.
What prompted me to write this was a statement a certain teacher made a couple months back. She told me I was not the only one in an abusive household and that others experienced it as well. She herself pointed out that it doesn’t improve my situation, but the damage was done. I did reach out to her once more but at large, I no longer wish to seek her advice despite her intentions and frankly, power to potentially do something about it if she really wanted to. It made me feel unheard. The action of telling someone that other people experience what they do can be dismissive if inappropriately timed, or even otherwise.
The issue lies in the fact that most people do not hear someone out enough before telling them that other people have similar experiences. Like it or not, humans beings wish to feel heard. If someone shares their fears or troubles with you, your job isn’t to simply try to fix it. That doesn’t appropriately help the person, if at all.
People are unique. Each person has a unique history, genetic background, values and goals. Each person has their own preferences and senses and knowledge. The variables are many, and each variable can have multiple values to the point where we can safely assume that each person is unique. It is a general truth in many aspects of life. Since people are unique, their struggles and the way they experience difficulties is unique. People’s struggles are nuanced. When we fail to hear out a friend and tell them ‘everyone has problems’ or ‘that is not uncommon’, they may feel hurt and can lash out or withdraw from sharing their experiences further. That’s because they feel like we want to solve the problem, or do not care to listen. Hear people out. Do not dismiss them.
My message seems a tad bit repetitive to say the least, but hopefully it drove the point home. Have you experienced such feelings of hurt when someone said something dismissive, be it intentionally or unintentionally? If you would like to share your experiences, please feel free to do so.
