Living in an Unhealthy Household
<on 13th April 2022>
What a coincidence!
I wanted to write this day before yesterday. I wanted to write another little article on the same day. To prove the point I wanted to say, my parents got in the way. It is not fun to live in a household where healthy, direct communication is rare. It is rare enough for me to directly assume that it will not work, because I’ve tried and tested it easily over a hundred times, and at least ninety out of said hundred times, it fails. The remaining ten times are left there for giving my parents the benefit of doubt, because I know I do not keep a proper track of my disagreements with them, but I also know that if they ever are nice, I end up forgetting that quickly because they usually turn not-so-nice, and that happens quite fast.
I cannot even seek the help of sleep (and I dislike sleep)
I do not really like sleeping much. I personally would love to live my life sleeping an average of six and a half hours in the future (Let me make it very clear that I am staunchly against sleep deprivation). Not too little, but not too much. There is so much I want to do with my life, so much I want to do in this world, that I like being awake much better than I like sleeping (unless I am tired, then sleep is my pick of the two). Yet, I often struggle to wake up ‘on time’ in this household. When it isn’t school vacay, I need to ideally be awake by 4 to 4.30 a.m., everyday. When I say I need to be awake, I mean, I need to be awake. There really is no choice. I go to bed by 10 p.m. It seems like I have enough time to sleep but I don’t. I could sleep for easily 8 hours the way these people stress me out. I often dislike waking up because the things I hear soon after I wake up often ruin a lot of my day, or at least my mornings. If I don’t wake up by 4.30 am, the things they say hurt me or mess with me so much that I can feel drained and dead tired four hours after waking up (provided I’m staying at home). I want to do so much and have such big dreams but I am so mentally worn out sometimes (well, since March 2020, most of the time) that I cannot achieve nearly enough of what I set out for (even for a perfectly mentally healthy and physically well person, my goals are a bit of work).
The result — A child is destroyed
What happens as a result of this? As a result of being mentally drained and exhausted by my parents, I used to feel ashamed of how little I got done. I also had a number of unhealthy though processes, many of which are the courtesy of my dear parents. In short, I was in a vicious cycle. I still am in the same vicious cycle, I have simply ‘halted it’ in a sense. I am still in a situation where my parents wear me down, negatively impacting my performance and thereby making them behave in a worse manner. However, I have grown quite strong of mind in places I was not so strong in before. I know my worth much better now. I have a better support system in place. I have broken free of many of the negative thought processes which had previously imprisoned me. I’ve learnt to trust myself, and I now take more action than I have in years. I would say ever, but I do not exactly remember how bold a few younger versions of me were, though it is safe to say I used to be quite bold even then. Now imagine. If I hadn’t gone through a ridiculously long list of truly unpleasant life experiences and been lucky enough to not only survive but get the help needed to turn these negative experiences into times of growth, if I had the same inefficient support system (if it exists at all) which most others do, if I was like most others, who are not the boldest and loudest in their batch, who are not cared for by all the teachers at school, who isn’t a social butterfly of an extrovert. If I had been in a slightly altered scenario, what would my present state have turned out to be? Probably worse, I’m quite sure of that. I acknowledge the multitude of privileges and fortunes I have on my side, and that has indeed helped me tide over many of these experiences I otherwise might not have handled so well. I’m quite sure however, that you must have understood my point by now — I am destroyed, in part at least, piece by piece, slowly but surely. Now I am sure at least one know-it-all on the internet will invalidate my truth by saying that life is in my hands and that I have much to be grateful for. That’s where I’d like to point out that I said I am destroyed in part. The child I used to be is largely dead. The child who used to believe in God and looked up to his parents and beamed at them with joy and admiration, that child is pretty much dead. I say pretty much because even to this day, I do not want to think and certainly won’t accept it if you said all of that child is dead. Because I still love my parents. Their words still hurt me.
“Get used to it”, “Just ignore them”, “They’re your parents”
I’ve heard these lines too many times. They do not help in the least. They are my parents. That’s not supposed to be a point in their defense, to the contrary, it is a point against their favor. They are my parents, and that is exactly why they should be doing better and treating me right. They are my parents, which is why I shouldn’t be expected to forgive them and act like wrongs, the hard-to-forgive kind of wrongs happened.
Ignoring them doesn’t always work. You think I haven’t tried ignoring them or getting used to it? I certainly have; and by the way, I certainly very well acquainted with living in mental toxicity. I have gotten quite good at not taking their words to heart as much as I used to, and the amount I shake off on the average day is more than I should be having to deal with. I, as a child, have a right to be raised in a healthy manner. I did not ask to be given life, and since I was given life and they are the ones in charge of my well-being, they should be trying to ensure my well-being. That just isn’t happening enough.
I can go on for hours a day for several days
The list of things that my parents frustrate me with can be quite elaborate. It all boils down to a few common threads though:
My individuality is disrespected;
My privacy is violated;
They never actually listen to me;
Fear, the way they act makes me fear them, and no child should feel this afraid this often in their own home.
